Monday, February 4, 2019

117 days - super bowl

i didn't think it would be a big deal, but i'm glad i had options for the big game.  i could have stayed home, but i needed the fresh air and the company.

i'm not a fan of the super bowl.  i don't follow it at all, don't care who wins (but really, anyone but the pats). despite that, i had a few invitations to choose from, which really means a lot to me.  all of them knew i didn't drink, and they still invited me.

i was worried the invites would stop, or slow down because i made people uncomfortable by not drinking. i declined a lot of invites, and i still do.  depending on my day, stress level, mood, i might not want to put myself in those situations. not because i'll drink (but there's always that possibility), but because all i sometimes want to do in those situations is drink.  because everyone else is and what the hell i could probably just have one, right?

i told my sister i'd stop by her house and say hi to people, eat a bit, and head to a friend's house. my sister's house would be full of people and loud, my friend's house would be just us, quilting software, a puzzle, food, and conversation.  oh, and the game on in the background.

at my sister's house, she was drinking prosecco out of a wine glass, which looked exactly like chardonnay, which was (is?) my drink of choice.  someone else showed up with a nice bottle of red and her own bottle of vodka.  others brought beer and the whiskey was poured.

i felt dumb and lame with my sprite.  a wine glass was passed in front of me for someone else to taste.

"busy season" is coming up at work and i miss turning my brain off. i miss that feeling of floating, of not caring, that easy way of falling asleep.

but i know it's not real sleep.  it's not restful sleep. and i know the sugars in the booze will wreak havoc on my body, mind, mood the next day, and the cycle will continue. (maybe i need that on a bracelet - body, mind, mood.)

it was awkward when i left. i kind of just announced it. it didn't seem like a jovial light-hearted place to be and i can't put my finger on why.  was it me? were people more serious because i was there? did a couple have a fight before getting there? was it always this awkward and serious and i just didn't notice it?  were they awkward because they knew i wasn't drinking?

i went to my friend's house and it was just what we wanted. the tv was on, i read about the new software, we talked about quilting, about friends, events coming up. we snacked, worked on the puzzle a bit, watched commercials.  and a football game was on in the background.

oh, and we didn't drink. i didn't even think about drinking.

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