Friday, January 25, 2019

tea

i don't remember when i stopped making tea in the evenings.  i needed it in those "early" days. i put "early" in "" because i don't want to get cocky. it's currently 108 days and while it seems like a lot right now, i know it's a drop in a bucket.  in those early "holding on by my fingernails" days, 100 days seemed huge! like once i got there, i'd be okay.  i am okay, i am "better", whatever that means.

i stopped making tea. i used to make it every night...to convince myself that i was preparing for sleep, that i was winding down instead of a bottle of wine, it was a mug of tea.  oh, the tea.  so much tea!  a shelf full of teas.

sleepy time tea, night time tea, chamomile, vanilla, lavender.  instead of a mug of wine, it was a mug of tea.  i preferred a mug or tumbler of wine because it was more steady than a wine glass.  how many times did i spill wine on my couch?  when did i stop using a wine glass and switch to a mug?  it had been years.

where am i going with this?  oh. tea. winding down. i'm reaching for books and sashiko in the evenings while catching up on DVRd shows.

108 days.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

90 and 98 days

people are cool about it. it's less of a big deal as it first was. i do miss drinking occasionally.  one friday was rough and i was seriously considering hitting the store for wine on the way home.  i acknowledged that i hadn't slept enough the night before and i was probably dehydrated.

but still.

so i called a friend.  well.  texted a friend. i messaged and texted other friends.  thought about going to my sister's house, usually a haven for me, but i knew booze was even more accessible there.

so i went home and met my friend and hung out. i felt silly asking, or, accepting help. it wasn't as big of a deal once he was there. but i don't know how it would have gone if he wasn't there.

i passed 90 days!  it was a sunday, i think. i meant to take a picture of my bracelet that has been there through all of this...but i haven't been wearing the bracelet. what was once a talisman, a reminder, a mantra "you do not need it", a thread i clung to...is something that i think is in my purse. or on my dresser.

today is 98 days.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

63 ish days

i'm losing count of the days! which is nice. i mean, i know the general number. oh. yesterday was 63 days. today will be 64.

ANYWAY. i've been having really annoying and stressful dreams lately. it isn't because of the lack of booze, though.  i've had crazy weird dreams forever.

i'm planning a holiday party at work, and people are showing up late and sitting at the wrong tables. they're bringing more people than they said they would and it's a mess.

there are less than 10 people at our actual holiday party, which basically just required me to make reservations at a restaurant and enter our names into an online gift exchange generator. so i don't know where this is coming from.  work stress in general? maybe.

i keep getting flashbacks of this dream during the day at work and it's really annoying.  i think it was actually the office christmas tree decorations this year. every year it's a whole thing. the tree is lame, the lights aren't enough, the ornaments are terrible. i have NEVER decorated a tree and said "that is an ugly tree, the lights are wrong, the ornaments aren't right." in my opinion, the messier the better.

ALSO WHERE ARE ALL THE COLORED LIGHTS THEY NEED TO BE ON THE TREE, DAMMIT.

well. i think we found the origin of my stress.  thank you.

xo
yo

Sunday, November 25, 2018

46 days - a post thanksgiving post

thanksgiving was great. i mean it was greater than great. i don't have the words. it was nice, it was mellow, it was delicious, it was perfect.  we played new games, learned a new way to carve a turkey, and it was perfect.

i made blueberry mint lemonade.  people drank beers (beers i'm not a fan of), and there was wine and vodka.  there were drinkers and non drinkers, and the interesting thing i realized (and i read this in a book that someone also realized--maybe i realized it because they pointed it out?) is that i would have been the drunkest person in the room.  i would have been deep "in my cups" as my aunt likes to say.  more so than anyone else.

i still had fun. i was still loud and obnoxious.  i still laughed hard and enjoyed everyone's company.  i was a little bit on edge in the beginning; there was that little voice that came and went that said "everyone is wondering why you aren't drinking."  i pushed it away and it came less and less frequent until i didn't notice it anymore.

i was able to focus on conversations and make sure people were included in conversations.  everyone pretty much knew each other, so it wasn't hard.

i did wake up full of shame, momentarily.  i stayed at my sister's house for the night, as i usually did when i drank heavily.  i would wake up full of shame. with a headache and queasy.  i would wake up assuming i was imposing on my sister and bro-in-law.  how lame they (and everyone) must think i am because i stayed at my sister's house.  i would wonder what stupid things i said the night before, and go into a very deep shame spiral about everything...work, friends, high school, events over the last oh THOUSAND years. and then the usual what am i even doing with my life?

i woke up in that strange bed and it couldn't have been for more than a second that i started this in my head and i realized i didn't need to do it.  nothing happened the night before, i wasn't hungover, i wasn't imposing.

we took a group picture before everyone left thanksgiving night.  i was bossy. (what!? people weren't sitting in the right place!) eyes were rolled at me. and i thought to myself... i'm still me. obnoxious and loud. and everyone still loved me.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

lucky thanksgiving - 44 days

is it more than luck?  i am lucky that i do not have a family that insists on drinking during the holidays.  well.  maybe that's not true.  there is a part of my family that i'm nervous to be around while they drink.  but that will be during the summer.

i don't feel pressure to drink this holiday season.  i've surrounded myself with people who know what i'm doing and are supportive about it.

i've told people, not because i wanted them to know, but i needed them to keep me honest. if i told them i stopped drinking, then i wouldn't order a drink while out with them.

i'm making lemonade; a nice blueberry mint lemonade that "adults" can add their own juice to.

we have games, i ordered more games because of course why not.

it'll be a small batch of good humans i'm excited to hang out with.

it'll be 45 days on thanksgiving.

xo

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

36 days

so my previous post. it was all in my head.  by that i mean, wow, can we imagine things or what.  i imagined myself opening the cabinet, the bottle, pouring a drink, and then getting drunk.

when i'm faced with the actual decision, the decision is no.  sometimes it's easier than other times.  well.  sometimes it's less hard than other times.  it's not quite easy yet.

my boss let me know that she and i are attending a conference at the beginning of december.  in vegas.  i was never a big vegas person. i didn't see the appeal.  but she is. and i'm nervous about telling her that i stopped drinking. maybe i should feign being sick? stay in my room? i'm totally fine with that.

interesting. telling her is ... interesting.