Saturday, January 12, 2019

90 and 98 days

people are cool about it. it's less of a big deal as it first was. i do miss drinking occasionally.  one friday was rough and i was seriously considering hitting the store for wine on the way home.  i acknowledged that i hadn't slept enough the night before and i was probably dehydrated.

but still.

so i called a friend.  well.  texted a friend. i messaged and texted other friends.  thought about going to my sister's house, usually a haven for me, but i knew booze was even more accessible there.

so i went home and met my friend and hung out. i felt silly asking, or, accepting help. it wasn't as big of a deal once he was there. but i don't know how it would have gone if he wasn't there.

i passed 90 days!  it was a sunday, i think. i meant to take a picture of my bracelet that has been there through all of this...but i haven't been wearing the bracelet. what was once a talisman, a reminder, a mantra "you do not need it", a thread i clung something that i think is in my purse. or on my dresser.

today is 98 days.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

63 ish days

i'm losing count of the days! which is nice. i mean, i know the general number. oh. yesterday was 63 days. today will be 64.

ANYWAY. i've been having really annoying and stressful dreams lately. it isn't because of the lack of booze, though.  i've had crazy weird dreams forever.

i'm planning a holiday party at work, and people are showing up late and sitting at the wrong tables. they're bringing more people than they said they would and it's a mess.

there are less than 10 people at our actual holiday party, which basically just required me to make reservations at a restaurant and enter our names into an online gift exchange generator. so i don't know where this is coming from.  work stress in general? maybe.

i keep getting flashbacks of this dream during the day at work and it's really annoying.  i think it was actually the office christmas tree decorations this year. every year it's a whole thing. the tree is lame, the lights aren't enough, the ornaments are terrible. i have NEVER decorated a tree and said "that is an ugly tree, the lights are wrong, the ornaments aren't right." in my opinion, the messier the better.


well. i think we found the origin of my stress.  thank you.


Sunday, November 25, 2018

46 days - a post thanksgiving post

thanksgiving was great. i mean it was greater than great. i don't have the words. it was nice, it was mellow, it was delicious, it was perfect.  we played new games, learned a new way to carve a turkey, and it was perfect.

i made blueberry mint lemonade.  people drank beers (beers i'm not a fan of), and there was wine and vodka.  there were drinkers and non drinkers, and the interesting thing i realized (and i read this in a book that someone also realized--maybe i realized it because they pointed it out?) is that i would have been the drunkest person in the room.  i would have been deep "in my cups" as my aunt likes to say.  more so than anyone else.

i still had fun. i was still loud and obnoxious.  i still laughed hard and enjoyed everyone's company.  i was a little bit on edge in the beginning; there was that little voice that came and went that said "everyone is wondering why you aren't drinking."  i pushed it away and it came less and less frequent until i didn't notice it anymore.

i was able to focus on conversations and make sure people were included in conversations.  everyone pretty much knew each other, so it wasn't hard.

i did wake up full of shame, momentarily.  i stayed at my sister's house for the night, as i usually did when i drank heavily.  i would wake up full of shame. with a headache and queasy.  i would wake up assuming i was imposing on my sister and bro-in-law.  how lame they (and everyone) must think i am because i stayed at my sister's house.  i would wonder what stupid things i said the night before, and go into a very deep shame spiral about, friends, high school, events over the last oh THOUSAND years. and then the usual what am i even doing with my life?

i woke up in that strange bed and it couldn't have been for more than a second that i started this in my head and i realized i didn't need to do it.  nothing happened the night before, i wasn't hungover, i wasn't imposing.

we took a group picture before everyone left thanksgiving night.  i was bossy. (what!? people weren't sitting in the right place!) eyes were rolled at me. and i thought to myself... i'm still me. obnoxious and loud. and everyone still loved me.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

lucky thanksgiving - 44 days

is it more than luck?  i am lucky that i do not have a family that insists on drinking during the holidays.  well.  maybe that's not true.  there is a part of my family that i'm nervous to be around while they drink.  but that will be during the summer.

i don't feel pressure to drink this holiday season.  i've surrounded myself with people who know what i'm doing and are supportive about it.

i've told people, not because i wanted them to know, but i needed them to keep me honest. if i told them i stopped drinking, then i wouldn't order a drink while out with them.

i'm making lemonade; a nice blueberry mint lemonade that "adults" can add their own juice to.

we have games, i ordered more games because of course why not.

it'll be a small batch of good humans i'm excited to hang out with.

it'll be 45 days on thanksgiving.


Wednesday, November 14, 2018

36 days

so my previous post. it was all in my head.  by that i mean, wow, can we imagine things or what.  i imagined myself opening the cabinet, the bottle, pouring a drink, and then getting drunk.

when i'm faced with the actual decision, the decision is no.  sometimes it's easier than other times.  well.  sometimes it's less hard than other times.  it's not quite easy yet.

my boss let me know that she and i are attending a conference at the beginning of december.  in vegas.  i was never a big vegas person. i didn't see the appeal.  but she is. and i'm nervous about telling her that i stopped drinking. maybe i should feign being sick? stay in my room? i'm totally fine with that.

interesting. telling her is ... interesting.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

31 days: it shouldn't be hard

i keep thinking that this shouldn't be so hard.  i should just, i mean, not drink and that's the end of it.  right? i'm a normal person. not the "a" word. but there's a voice in my head that whispers "just one" and "they won't care" and "no one will know".  why is that voice there?  why is it so hard to ignore?

and that voice and the fact that it is hard to get that thought out of my head is what tells me that this is the best decision.

it's 31 days today that i haven't had a drink.  it's a big number!  bigger than two weeks, 28 days, even 30 days.

i'm house-sitting at my sister's and bro-in-law's house.  they have a cat and i am obsessed with her. i'm mostly there to cater to the cat and make sure she doesn't lock herself in or under anything she shouldn't.

there's booze in the house.  a lot.  they host a lot of parties, they have friends who come over, they have booze for parties, friends bring booze for parties, they have booze for themselves.

they have booze i used to drink.  i could still drink.

i was having a hard time knowing i would be there with all the booze, and that they wouldn't mind if i had any of it. just there. mine for the drinking.  and then i thought i was making a big deal out of it, and then i asked my sister to hide the booze. and she asked "all of it?" and then i realized how dumb it was for me to ask. i just wouldn't drink it! or i'd put it away.  i asked her to just put away the vodka and any whites they had in the fridge.

she didn't. she was busy, or didn't think i was serious, or forgot. whatever.  WHATEVER, i just wouldn't drink it.

i got there tuesday night and saw it there, kind of chuckled, and thought myself so good for not thinking about it (but i did think about it). then last night.  my countdown (count up?) alarm went off at 9:10, reminding me that it had been one more day in my pile of tiny days.  and then i thought of the vodka in the cabinet.  the other opened bottles of booze.  the wine in the fridge, the beers in the fridge, and whatever else was in the fridge.

and then i made some tea and played around with the cat and watched tv.

at home, i don't have booze. all the booze is gone. like not buying chips for the house. i can't eat just one, or a handful. i'll eat it all.  same with booze. i don't want it, i don't need it, i don't buy it. so when the 9:10 alarm goes off, i sit contentedly, knowing that i'm not going to leave the house at that point to get booze.

but 9:10 rolled around at my sister's house, and it's all there. right there.  all i have to do is get up and pour a glass or open a bottle. i could easily buy more to replace it, or not even replace it because they don't care.

so this morning, as i got a coffee pod from the cabinet below the cabinet full of booze, i thought about moving it. where would i put it? take it to work and leave it there? i could do that. then what, bring it back tomorrow and spend friday night with it?

i got the milk from the fridge, behind the cranberry juice and between a variety of beers, and looked up and stared at all of the beers.  and i said fuck it.

i put the beers in a bag, with the vodka, and a few proseccos.  i set it on the counter. i took a picture of it.  i was worried the bag handles would snap. where was i going to put this?

in my trunk.

between my trunk and myself in the house, there are plenty of obstacles. the kitchen, the coffee maker.  the tea keep, water. if i made it past all of that, i'd have to get my keys. unlock the garage door, unlock my car, and get to the bag. i put obstacles in my way.

i'm still considering not sleeping there tonight.

31 days. is it getting easier or have i been lying to myself?  i've been staying away from people/places that put my sobriety in jeopardy.

sobriety. what a weird word. "my sobriety". what a weird combination of words.  a friend of mine used that in a text today, when i texted her a picture of the booze and told her what i did.

it's a thing i have now, i guess. a sobriety. a sobriety of my own. my sobriety.

i ordered another bracelet.  this one will say:

you don't even like it
it is not worth it

my talismans. talismen? my wonder woman cuffs.