141

four months!  well. a little while ago was four months. i don't even check it every day. i was checking off the days today to see how many days it's been. and i got kind of meh about it.  what's the next big number?  180 i guess? six months? but there's also 150, which is a nice round number, five months.

i'm much more selective with who i hang out with. i'm afraid i'm isolating myself and losing friends. but that could just be me being dumb and not reaching out. i know they're there.

i don't like obnoxious people.  drinking used to make them "tolerable" or i didn't care as much when i was drinking.

i am currently grumpy pants.

117 days - super bowl

i didn't think it would be a big deal, but i'm glad i had options for the big game.  i could have stayed home, but i needed the fresh air and the company.

i'm not a fan of the super bowl.  i don't follow it at all, don't care who wins (but really, anyone but the pats). despite that, i had a few invitations to choose from, which really means a lot to me.  all of them knew i didn't drink, and they still invited me.

i was worried the invites would stop, or slow down because i made people uncomfortable by not drinking. i declined a lot of invites, and i still do.  depending on my day, stress level, mood, i might not want to put myself in those situations. not because i'll drink (but there's always that possibility), but because all i sometimes want to do in those situations is drink.  because everyone else is and what the hell i could probably just have one, right?

i told my sister i'd stop by her house and say hi to people, eat a bit, and head to a friend's house. my sister's house would be full of people and loud, my friend's house would be just us, quilting software, a puzzle, food, and conversation.  oh, and the game on in the background.

at my sister's house, she was drinking prosecco out of a wine glass, which looked exactly like chardonnay, which was (is?) my drink of choice.  someone else showed up with a nice bottle of red and her own bottle of vodka.  others brought beer and the whiskey was poured.

i felt dumb and lame with my sprite.  a wine glass was passed in front of me for someone else to taste.

"busy season" is coming up at work and i miss turning my brain off. i miss that feeling of floating, of not caring, that easy way of falling asleep.

but i know it's not real sleep.  it's not restful sleep. and i know the sugars in the booze will wreak havoc on my body, mind, mood the next day, and the cycle will continue. (maybe i need that on a bracelet - body, mind, mood.)

it was awkward when i left. i kind of just announced it. it didn't seem like a jovial light-hearted place to be and i can't put my finger on why.  was it me? were people more serious because i was there? did a couple have a fight before getting there? was it always this awkward and serious and i just didn't notice it?  were they awkward because they knew i wasn't drinking?

i went to my friend's house and it was just what we wanted. the tv was on, i read about the new software, we talked about quilting, about friends, events coming up. we snacked, worked on the puzzle a bit, watched commercials.  and a football game was on in the background.

oh, and we didn't drink. i didn't even think about drinking.

tea

i don't remember when i stopped making tea in the evenings.  i needed it in those "early" days. i put "early" in "" because i don't want to get cocky. it's currently 108 days and while it seems like a lot right now, i know it's a drop in a bucket.  in those early "holding on by my fingernails" days, 100 days seemed huge! like once i got there, i'd be okay.  i am okay, i am "better", whatever that means.

i stopped making tea. i used to make it every night...to convince myself that i was preparing for sleep, that i was winding down instead of a bottle of wine, it was a mug of tea.  oh, the tea.  so much tea!  a shelf full of teas.

sleepy time tea, night time tea, chamomile, vanilla, lavender.  instead of a mug of wine, it was a mug of tea.  i preferred a mug or tumbler of wine because it was more steady than a wine glass.  how many times did i spill wine on my couch?  when did i stop using a wine glass and switch to a mug?  it had been years.

where am i going with this?  oh. tea. winding down. i'm reaching for books and sashiko in the evenings while catching up on DVRd shows.

108 days.

90 and 98 days

people are cool about it. it's less of a big deal as it first was. i do miss drinking occasionally.  one friday was rough and i was seriously considering hitting the store for wine on the way home.  i acknowledged that i hadn't slept enough the night before and i was probably dehydrated.

but still.

so i called a friend.  well.  texted a friend. i messaged and texted other friends.  thought about going to my sister's house, usually a haven for me, but i knew booze was even more accessible there.

so i went home and met my friend and hung out. i felt silly asking, or, accepting help. it wasn't as big of a deal once he was there. but i don't know how it would have gone if he wasn't there.

i passed 90 days!  it was a sunday, i think. i meant to take a picture of my bracelet that has been there through all of this...but i haven't been wearing the bracelet. what was once a talisman, a reminder, a mantra "you do not need it", a thread i clung to...is something that i think is in my purse. or on my dresser.

today is 98 days.

63 ish days

i'm losing count of the days! which is nice. i mean, i know the general number. oh. yesterday was 63 days. today will be 64.

ANYWAY. i've been having really annoying and stressful dreams lately. it isn't because of the lack of booze, though.  i've had crazy weird dreams forever.

i'm planning a holiday party at work, and people are showing up late and sitting at the wrong tables. they're bringing more people than they said they would and it's a mess.

there are less than 10 people at our actual holiday party, which basically just required me to make reservations at a restaurant and enter our names into an online gift exchange generator. so i don't know where this is coming from.  work stress in general? maybe.

i keep getting flashbacks of this dream during the day at work and it's really annoying.  i think it was actually the office christmas tree decorations this year. every year it's a whole thing. the tree is lame, the lights aren't enough, the ornaments are terrible. i have NEVER decorated a tree and said "that is an ugly tree, the lights are wrong, the ornaments aren't right." in my opinion, the messier the better.

ALSO WHERE ARE ALL THE COLORED LIGHTS THEY NEED TO BE ON THE TREE, DAMMIT.

well. i think we found the origin of my stress.  thank you.

xo
yo

46 days - a post thanksgiving post

thanksgiving was great. i mean it was greater than great. i don't have the words. it was nice, it was mellow, it was delicious, it was perfect.  we played new games, learned a new way to carve a turkey, and it was perfect.

i made blueberry mint lemonade.  people drank beers (beers i'm not a fan of), and there was wine and vodka.  there were drinkers and non drinkers, and the interesting thing i realized (and i read this in a book that someone also realized--maybe i realized it because they pointed it out?) is that i would have been the drunkest person in the room.  i would have been deep "in my cups" as my aunt likes to say.  more so than anyone else.

i still had fun. i was still loud and obnoxious.  i still laughed hard and enjoyed everyone's company.  i was a little bit on edge in the beginning; there was that little voice that came and went that said "everyone is wondering why you aren't drinking."  i pushed it away and it came less and less frequent until i didn't notice it anymore.

i was able to focus on conversations and make sure people were included in conversations.  everyone pretty much knew each other, so it wasn't hard.

i did wake up full of shame, momentarily.  i stayed at my sister's house for the night, as i usually did when i drank heavily.  i would wake up full of shame. with a headache and queasy.  i would wake up assuming i was imposing on my sister and bro-in-law.  how lame they (and everyone) must think i am because i stayed at my sister's house.  i would wonder what stupid things i said the night before, and go into a very deep shame spiral about everything...work, friends, high school, events over the last oh THOUSAND years. and then the usual what am i even doing with my life?

i woke up in that strange bed and it couldn't have been for more than a second that i started this in my head and i realized i didn't need to do it.  nothing happened the night before, i wasn't hungover, i wasn't imposing.

we took a group picture before everyone left thanksgiving night.  i was bossy. (what!? people weren't sitting in the right place!) eyes were rolled at me. and i thought to myself... i'm still me. obnoxious and loud. and everyone still loved me.

lucky thanksgiving - 44 days

is it more than luck?  i am lucky that i do not have a family that insists on drinking during the holidays.  well.  maybe that's not true.  there is a part of my family that i'm nervous to be around while they drink.  but that will be during the summer.

i don't feel pressure to drink this holiday season.  i've surrounded myself with people who know what i'm doing and are supportive about it.

i've told people, not because i wanted them to know, but i needed them to keep me honest. if i told them i stopped drinking, then i wouldn't order a drink while out with them.

i'm making lemonade; a nice blueberry mint lemonade that "adults" can add their own juice to.

we have games, i ordered more games because of course why not.

it'll be a small batch of good humans i'm excited to hang out with.

it'll be 45 days on thanksgiving.

xo