Wednesday, November 14, 2018

36 days

so my previous post. it was all in my head.  by that i mean, wow, can we imagine things or what.  i imagined myself opening the cabinet, the bottle, pouring a drink, and then getting drunk.

when i'm faced with the actual decision, the decision is no.  sometimes it's easier than other times.  well.  sometimes it's less hard than other times.  it's not quite easy yet.

my boss let me know that she and i are attending a conference at the beginning of december.  in vegas.  i was never a big vegas person. i didn't see the appeal.  but she is. and i'm nervous about telling her that i stopped drinking. maybe i should feign being sick? stay in my room? i'm totally fine with that.

interesting. telling her is ... interesting.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

31 days: it shouldn't be hard

i keep thinking that this shouldn't be so hard.  i should just, i mean, not drink and that's the end of it.  right? i'm a normal person. not the "a" word. but there's a voice in my head that whispers "just one" and "they won't care" and "no one will know".  why is that voice there?  why is it so hard to ignore?

and that voice and the fact that it is hard to get that thought out of my head is what tells me that this is the best decision.

it's 31 days today that i haven't had a drink.  it's a big number!  bigger than two weeks, 28 days, even 30 days.

i'm house-sitting at my sister's and bro-in-law's house.  they have a cat and i am obsessed with her. i'm mostly there to cater to the cat and make sure she doesn't lock herself in or under anything she shouldn't.

there's booze in the house.  a lot.  they host a lot of parties, they have friends who come over, they have booze for parties, friends bring booze for parties, they have booze for themselves.

they have booze i used to drink.  i could still drink.

i was having a hard time knowing i would be there with all the booze, and that they wouldn't mind if i had any of it. just there. mine for the drinking.  and then i thought i was making a big deal out of it, and then i asked my sister to hide the booze. and she asked "all of it?" and then i realized how dumb it was for me to ask. i just wouldn't drink it! or i'd put it away.  i asked her to just put away the vodka and any whites they had in the fridge.

she didn't. she was busy, or didn't think i was serious, or forgot. whatever.  WHATEVER, i just wouldn't drink it.

i got there tuesday night and saw it there, kind of chuckled, and thought myself so good for not thinking about it (but i did think about it). then last night.  my countdown (count up?) alarm went off at 9:10, reminding me that it had been one more day in my pile of tiny days.  and then i thought of the vodka in the cabinet.  the other opened bottles of booze.  the wine in the fridge, the beers in the fridge, and whatever else was in the fridge.

and then i made some tea and played around with the cat and watched tv.

at home, i don't have booze. all the booze is gone. like not buying chips for the house. i can't eat just one, or a handful. i'll eat it all.  same with booze. i don't want it, i don't need it, i don't buy it. so when the 9:10 alarm goes off, i sit contentedly, knowing that i'm not going to leave the house at that point to get booze.

but 9:10 rolled around at my sister's house, and it's all there. right there.  all i have to do is get up and pour a glass or open a bottle. i could easily buy more to replace it, or not even replace it because they don't care.

so this morning, as i got a coffee pod from the cabinet below the cabinet full of booze, i thought about moving it. where would i put it? take it to work and leave it there? i could do that. then what, bring it back tomorrow and spend friday night with it?

i got the milk from the fridge, behind the cranberry juice and between a variety of beers, and looked up and stared at all of the beers.  and i said fuck it.

i put the beers in a bag, with the vodka, and a few proseccos.  i set it on the counter. i took a picture of it.  i was worried the bag handles would snap. where was i going to put this?

in my trunk.

between my trunk and myself in the house, there are plenty of obstacles. the kitchen, the coffee maker.  the tea keep, water. if i made it past all of that, i'd have to get my keys. unlock the garage door, unlock my car, and get to the bag. i put obstacles in my way.

i'm still considering not sleeping there tonight.

31 days. is it getting easier or have i been lying to myself?  i've been staying away from people/places that put my sobriety in jeopardy.

sobriety. what a weird word. "my sobriety". what a weird combination of words.  a friend of mine used that in a text today, when i texted her a picture of the booze and told her what i did.

it's a thing i have now, i guess. a sobriety. a sobriety of my own. my sobriety.

i ordered another bracelet.  this one will say:

you don't even like it
it is not worth it

my talismans. talismen? my wonder woman cuffs.

Monday, November 5, 2018

28 days!¡


And a little medal-looking badge. A chip? ;)

This is the longest in recent history that I haven’t had a drink. We’re talking at least five years. Probably more. 

I feel silly. But also serious. And grateful that I’m doing this now. 

But kind of silly that I’m making it this big deal. If it wasn’t a big deal, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Like, the fact that it’s hard for me not to drink says a lot, and that I made the right choice. 

Also, PS, crabby and blue today. I blame the sugar yesterday from the peanut M&Ms and piece of chocolate chip cookie. And also that other cookie at lunch today.
Tea helped, the Yogi Detox flavor. Must drink more water. 

xo, yo 

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

goodness

goodness is in this first sip of coffee
quiet drives in the morning
a fiery sunset turning the air pink
old friends with framed words
old friends with big words
late nights with tea
mid days with tea
mid nights with tea
early mornings and coffee
(you. guys. early. mornings.)
flannel sheets
books before bed
waking up rested
before the alarm
discovering winding roads and hidden lakes
words etched in a bracelet
weekend mornings
sleeping in (and not because hungover)

this peace
this calm
this clean slate

Friday, October 26, 2018

i wanted to come home to you and tell you my secrets.

instead, i made tea and thought about all the secrets we shared over a decade ago.  all those whispers in the dark.

which didn't help any.

and then i googled "why people shouldn't date when newly sober".

and then i read.  and it made sense.

and then i sipped more tea and went back to my book.

still, you linger.  and i wonder. and imagine those words coming out of my mouth.

what do i even want? is it even fair?  it can't be fair.  it's not fair. i shouldn't.

this is stupid.  is it stupid?

Thursday, October 25, 2018

that annoying person

i feel like i'm an annoying person shouting at the rooftops about how amazing it is not to drink, and how bad it is to drink. i mean, maybe not the last part.  but i do want to talk about it with people, and most people in my life drink.

i'm kind of obsessed with the blogs and the instagram accounts and the books and articles.  and it's all mostly new information to me! EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW THIS WHY AREN'T WE TALKING ABOUT IT?  i talk about space! the environment! and people have conversations with me about it!

i know i just need to mellow out a little bit.