90 and 98 days

people are cool about it. it's less of a big deal as it first was. i do miss drinking occasionally.  one friday was rough and i was seriously considering hitting the store for wine on the way home.  i acknowledged that i hadn't slept enough the night before and i was probably dehydrated.

but still.

so i called a friend.  well.  texted a friend. i messaged and texted other friends.  thought about going to my sister's house, usually a haven for me, but i knew booze was even more accessible there.

so i went home and met my friend and hung out. i felt silly asking, or, accepting help. it wasn't as big of a deal once he was there. but i don't know how it would have gone if he wasn't there.

i passed 90 days!  it was a sunday, i think. i meant to take a picture of my bracelet that has been there through all of this...but i haven't been wearing the bracelet. what was once a talisman, a reminder, a mantra "you do not need it", a thread i clung to...is something that i think is in my purse. or on my dresser.

today is 98 days.

today was a hard day

work was stressful. i’ve had harder days at work.

i ate more salt and sugar than I should have.

i feel blue and needy.

all i wanted today after work was to face plant on the couch. and I told myself that was okay. so i did. and i’m downing a huge glass of water and making tea soon.

tomorrow is for laundry and sewing. and less salt and sugar.

maybe the same neediness. looking forward to being less blue.

maybe i’ll be green or purple tomorrow. or a nice fuscia. yes. fuscia.

cravings

yesterday i went to the store.  for tea.  because new evening habits and all.  i acknowledged the pull to the wine aisle and perused the frozen section.  potstickers!  teeny tiny steak appetizer bites!  i hit the granola bar area and bought a box of granola bars i forgot i didn't like (brought them into work today), and walked down the baking aisle because i thought that's where the honey was.  for the tea, you know.

stopped there for a while. have you seen all of the "cup of cake" and "cup of brownie" stuff they have out lately?  because man.  BUT, no plain old regular chocolate cake.  only dark dark chocolate and other combos.

so i got a cup of brownie.

AND THEN a blueberry muffin mix. did you know it also works for pancakes?!

and today i'm a bit frustrated at work. which is refreshing and also annoying.  i didn't think the frustration would go away?  and i guess i am dealing with it differently. it seems to pass quicker? or i don't rumiate as much? i could be making that up.

i'm having cravings for salty/sweet things.  OH! i also bought two containers of cookies for the office. because i wanted a couple and knew i couldn't keep them in the house.

after i unpacked at home yesterday i realized what i had done with the salty/sweet snacks.  i wondered how they would affect me, since i removed the daily dose of sugar.

so. something else to keep an eye on.