i have my mom's hands

(my grandmother, my mom, holding me in my fancy christmas duds, and my cousin)

1. she was a bad driver
2. she never used her blinkers
3. she loved us. oh how she loved us
4. she sang to us
5. crazy silly songs about catalina matalina oopsy daisy donna wanna okopokoloko was her name.
6. she sewed
7. quilts
8. sunday dresses
9. for me and my sister
10. every sunday
11. she fixed everything with an ice cube or a popsicle
12. she loved us
13. she was a lady
14. she taught us manners
15. every part of me that is a lady is from her
16. she protected us
17. you didn't mess with her
18. she never knew how much i admired her
19. but she does
20. every part of me that is strong is from her
21. she typed fast
22. she taught me how to make tortillas
23. she taught me what family was
24. she was so funny
25. she was so patient
26. she had a favorite
27. and that is fine
28. because she's my favorite, too
29. she had this way about her...this way of speaking. she had this way of putting so much emotion into one word. she could say my name and i would know instantly that i should stop pulling my sister's hair, or that she was proud of me, or that she wasn't kidding when she counted to 3.
30. her hands soothed so much. her touch on my forehead, the way she brushed my hair, how she tucked me in at night. i have that touch with those i love. i feel the way they love that touch, how much they feel my love from my touch, and i learned it from her.
31. she loved the opera
32. and ballet
33. and classical music
34. i used to hate it
35. i miss her sewing room, so full of light and so many fabrics, always with the classical music
36. she wore opium
37. i see the bottle, but i can't smell it
38. if i were to smell it right now, the memories would bring me to my knees
39. she loved my dad
40. so much
41. i never heard her call him by his name
42. he was always dad or honey, never ever gilbert
43. she made his lunch every morning
44. i remember so many mornings waking up next to her
45. the sheets so warm
46. we would just lay there, feet tangled, morning breaking
47. she was so safe
48. so safe
49. she made popsicles
50. she gave me so many things to pass down
51. one day, after a hard day of school, i cried into her shoulder. she told me then, "friends will come and go, but your sister will always be there."
52. i didn't believe her then.
53. but that is the strongest, truest thing she has ever taught me
54. she didn't teach me to speak spanish
55. she called my history teacher a "fuck hole" after they had an argument about an assignment of mine when i was 16
56. i was never so proud to have her in my corner
57. she loved her sister and her family
58. she left us with that, our blanket
59. she married young
60. she protected her family
61. everything ballsy i have ever done or ever will do, is from her strength
62. she gave me my fair lady, brigadoon, the quiet man
63. oh, and she gave me my love of books
64. she read and read and read to us
65. she would ground us by taking away our books. while our friends were getting their phone taken away, their nights out with their friends, she would crush us by taking away our books
66. she was funny
67. she had her own living room, with the "special" furniture and glass table
68. and we didn't cross that line
69. only to take pictures in our sunday dresses
70. she called me lally. i will always be hers. other people in my family call me that, but it's never the same
71. i miss her so much
72. she broke my heart
73. i still love her
74. forever
75. she taught me how to tie my shoes
76. she gave me an infinite amount of memories that i can't even think of right now, but that have shaped me into the woman i am today.
77. i was a surprise
78. at the ripe old age of 38
79. she stopped for a milkshake on the way to the hospital before delivering me
80. i will think of a thousand different things to tell you about her after i post this
81. i love her so
82. i would give anything to see her, just to see her, not even to say anything to her. just to see her reading a book in the sun.
83. i pretend to have conversations with her over the phone
84. i catch glimpses of her at the grocery store, i think of her when i hear someone whistling south pacific
85. oh, she could whistle so sweetly
86. she gave me my sister so i wouldn't be lonely growing up
87. my sister has proven quite a valuable plaything/cohort/partner in crime
88. my mom was right about so many things
89. oh, how i love her
90. "if a a boy tells you he doesn't deserve you, he is right."
91. "also believe him if he tells you he is an asshole."
92. she thought i was funny
93. and was always in my corner
94. i don't know what i would say to her if i saw her
95. i would say nothing
96. i would hold her
97. i would thank her
98. and that would be enough for me
99. i smell her perfum now
100. oh, and i want to hold her