Sunday, December 2, 2007

i have my mom's hands

(my grandmother, my mom, holding me in my fancy christmas duds, and my cousin)

  1. she was a bad driver
  2. she never used her blinkers
  3. she loved us. oh how she loved us
  4. she sang to us
  5. crazy silly songs about catalina matalina oopsy daisy donna wanna okopokoloko was her name.
  6. she sewed
  7. quilts
  8. sunday dresses
  9. for me and my sister
  10. every sunday
  11. she fixed everything with an ice cube or a popsicle
  12. she loved us
  13. she was a lady
  14. she taught us manners
  15. every part of me that is a lady is from her
  16. she protected us
  17. you didn't mess with her
  18. she never knew how much i admired her
  19. but she does
  20. every part of me that is strong is from her
  21. she typed fast
  22. she taught me how to make tortillas
  23. she taught me what family was
  24. she was so funny
  25. she was so patient
  26. she had a favorite
  27. and that is fine
  28. because she's my favorite, too
  29. she had this way about her...this way of speaking. she had this way of putting so much emotion into one word. she could say my name and i would know instantly that i should stop pulling my sister's hair, or that she was proud of me, or that she wasn't kidding when she counted to 3.
  30. her hands soothed so much. her touch on my forehead, the way she brushed my hair, how she tucked me in at night. i have that touch with those i love. i feel the way they love that touch, how much they feel my love from my touch, and i learned it from her.
  31. she loved the opera
  32. and ballet
  33. and classical music
  34. i used to hate it
  35. i miss her sewing room, so full of light and so many fabrics, always with the classical music
  36. she wore opium
  37. i see the bottle, but i can't smell it
  38. if i were to smell it right now, the memories would bring me to my knees
  39. she loved my dad
  40. so much
  41. i never heard her call him by his name
  42. he was always dad or honey, never ever gilbert
  43. she made his lunch every morning
  44. i remember so many mornings waking up next to her
  45. the sheets so warm
  46. we would just lay there, feet tangled, morning breaking
  47. she was so safe
  48. so safe
  49. she made popsicles
  50. she gave me so many things to pass down
  51. one day, after a hard day of school, i cried into her shoulder. she told me then, "friends will come and go, but your sister will always be there."
  52. i didn't believe her then.
  53. but that is the strongest, truest thing she has ever taught me
  54. she didn't teach me to speak spanish
  55. she called my history teacher a "fuck hole" after they had an argument about an assignment of mine when i was 16
  56. i was never so proud to have her in my corner
  57. she loved her sister and her family
  58. she left us with that, our blanket
  59. she married young
  60. she protected her family
  61. everything ballsy i have ever done or ever will do, is from her strength
  62. she gave me my fair lady, brigadoon, the quiet man
  63. oh, and she gave me my love of books
  64. she read and read and read to us
  65. she would ground us by taking away our books. while our friends were getting their phone taken away, their nights out with their friends, she would crush us by taking away our books
  66. she was funny
  67. she had her own living room, with the "special" furniture and glass table
  68. and we didn't cross that line
  69. only to take pictures in our sunday dresses
  70. she called me lally. i will always be hers. other people in my family call me that, but it's never the same
  71. i miss her so much
  72. she broke my heart
  73. i still love her
  74. forever
  75. she taught me how to tie my shoes
  76. she gave me an infinite amount of memories that i can't even think of right now, but that have shaped me into the woman i am today.
  77. i was a surprise
  78. at the ripe old age of 38
  79. she stopped for a milkshake on the way to the hospital before delivering me
  80. i will think of a thousand different things to tell you about her after i post this
  81. i love her so
  82. i would give anything to see her, just to see her, not even to say anything to her. just to see her reading a book in the sun.
  83. i pretend to have conversations with her over the phone
  84. i catch glimpses of her at the grocery store, i think of her when i hear someone whistling south pacific
  85. oh, she could whistle so sweetly
  86. she gave me my sister so i wouldn't be lonely growing up
  87. my sister has proven quite a valuable plaything/cohort/partner in crime
  88. my mom was right about so many things
  89. oh, how i love her
  90. "if a a boy tells you he doesn't deserve you, he is right."
  91. "also believe him if he tells you he is an asshole."
  92. she thought i was funny
  93. and was always in my corner
  94. i don't know what i would say to her if i saw her
  95. i would say nothing
  96. i would hold her
  97. i would thank her
  98. and that would be enough for me
  99. i smell her perfum now
  100. oh, and i want to hold her


  1. damn you. you made me cry early in the day. that was beautiful.

  2. you ruined everyone's mascara, you whore. thanks a lot.

  3. wow. thank you for the comments =) the deep personal stuff works, does it?

    mel, you are also a jerkface. my favorite jerkface.

  4. I hope I can do the same for my children.

    I want to go in there right now while they're sleeping, wake them up and just hold them.

  5. you sir ... are still an ass hat. and i still love you. i should invest in Kleenex stock. ass hat

  6. Damn something stupid. I cry everytime I come here and read this.

  7. OKAAAAYYYY! i get it. i will post something new and stupid.

    thank you, everyone, for your comments.