Friday, January 13, 2017

morning joe

i went to starbucks* this morning.  well, a different starbucks than i usually visit.  i had to be sneaky at this other place.  cars waiting in line at the drive through don't care about their asses hanging out into oncoming traffic.  they ooze out of the driveway like druggies waiting for their fix.

i wasn't going through the drive through, though. i was going to park like a human being and WALK in.

the parking lot at this place is like one of those plastic tile number games. the one with the missing tile? it's awful. and you think, all i need to do is pluck this other little tile out and it'll be fine. and you try and try and you can never get that other tile out and who has ever finished one of those tile games?

i was going to park next door at the mexican restaurant and sneak in like a thief in the night.  but like, in normal clothes.  and not wearing a mask. and. uh, in broad daylight. and really not sneaky at all.

turns out the mexican restaurant was prepared for this and had signs posted throughout the parking lot  that said things like "ALL YOU STARBUCKS LOVERS STAY OUT OF OUR PARKING LOT" and "GO AWAY" and "SHOOO!".

rude stuff like that.

i said "sheesh" (pronounced "mother fucker") and drove around to find other (better, more inclusive) parking.

AND LO! a parking spot. right in front of the big green monster.

i parked and walked toward the front door, taking deep breaths on the way.  what a morning to be alive! it was cloudy and cold and rain was on the way.  (it does rain in southern california.) i wondered (talked to myself) about breakfast snacks and debated my drink.

basically, i was a junkie dreaming about my fix.

as I walked in, the woman behind the counter said cheerfully, "good morning! what can i get started for you?"

and i said, confidently (with a skip in my step), "grande coffee with an inch of cold soy."

two things happened simultaneously.

the woman behind the counter confirmed an order of chocolate milk and sausage sandwich.

a woman on the other side of the counter, ten feet from the counter said (barked, whined) while looking at me, "I'M NEXT."

i looked at her and said, condescendingly, "oookaaaayyyy," and shrugged a shoulder. not both. just one.  that's how nonchalant i was.  and then i made that half frown face that also clearly states "whatever, no biggie. i wait in lines behind people all the time."

all of this was to say:

"ha! it was a joke! i knew you were in line! (though, really, i didn't know you were in line and i doubt anyone behind the counter knew you were even here and how long had you been waiting there for someone to notice you when you weren't even close to the counter? also? you're WELCOME for bringing attention to you [not me, obvi] so they would take your [long and strangely complicated] order.) i do this joke all the time! i knew she was talking to someone in the drive through.  who WOULDN'T know that?  this bit usually gets tons of laughs at other starbucks (ya losers)."

and then imaginary me looked around at the people behind laptops sipping their drinks and gave finger guns to everyone like a drunk uncle. only one person looked up.

okay. fine.  i lied. no one looked up.


i still got my order before she did.

*i know I KNOW, small businesses and everything.  but i need soy. small coffee shops don't always have soy, and when they do, it's not fresh and then it's gross and doesn't mix right or taste right and i'm sorry, i go to starbucks.

**pronounced mother fucker.

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