Sunday, February 3, 2008

dreams are funny stuff

i was at a restaurant. ben, mom, ginger, nancy, chela, wanda, millie, melva, leroy, shirley, anetta, greg, gena were being seated. i sat down with them. more chairs had to be added. but there weren't enough place settings for all of us. so i kept scooting over, moving my chair, and then my chair was taken away, and i was standing up next to the table. and then the table got smaller. i watched them flip and fold the table up and tuck chairs under the table so there would be no room for me.

and then i was the odd person out, standing by the table that was obviously big enough for all of us, but somehow shrank.

i wasn't hurt or even mad. i thought to myself "how fucking rude. there's obviously enough room for everyone. they have no manners." i put my hand on my hip and stared at them not looking at me. "fucking rude."

i was embarassed for them and their rudeness. grown adults, unable to be polite to someone they used to know. unable to be civil. unable to be decent human beings. rude. like ill-behaved toddlers hoarding all the crayons.


the other night i woke up from a dream. my nose tickled. i was dreaming my dad was kissing my nose while i slept.


phill says i have salvador dali dreams. the kinds of dreams with arms and legs showing up where there shouldn't be, and clocks dripping off cliffs or castles floating in skies.

i have dreams about clouds. i used to be afraid of clouds, i blame "the nothing" in the never ending story for that. i was scared of the big fluffy clouds. like, i would run inside if i saw one coming for me.

i've had dreams of flying, but the underlying feeling in those dreams was fear of falling. i like my parachuting dreams the most.

in my first parachuting dream i was parachuting through clouds. thick clouds that slowed down my parachuting team (i don't know who was with me, i just remember being with several people). one particular layer of clouds was so thick, we stopped and wobbled there like standing on a waterbed. we had to claw our way through the clouds, to rip through them. the cloud layer was like that layer of carpet padding. but in a beautiful way. we ripped through, and parachuted safely to the ground.

my last parachuting dream.... i was parachuting through hundreds of other parachuters. their parachutes were red and white. from my perch above them, they looked like red and white m&ms. they were all around me. above me, next to me, under me, it was a sea of parachuters. and they were all phill. and then the one phill caught up to me and we laughed at how there were all these parachuters (parachutists?) around us. the sun was setting. the ponds and lakes below were reflecting the sunset. we were falling from the sky, into the sky. i was surrounded by love, having this great time, floating through love.

how sweetly disgusting is that?


anyone who's known me for at least five minutes lately, you know i'm reading eat love pray. i'm in bali with liz now. she's spending time with the medicine man, sharing her adventures with him, learning of his healing powers and meditation techniques.

seriously, i cannot tell you how much i love this book. the medicine man is simple and complex. he told her to "Worry about your craziness only--make you in peace."

this is what i told my sister, paula slovakia, when she was going through her divorce. "you can't understand crazy. to understand crazy, you have to go into a crazy place. you are not crazy, you are sane. you will never understand this level of crazy." i learned that so completely in the spring and summer of 2005. a lot was going on during that time. i was trying to wrap my head around such craziness; actions from people who were not supposed to ever say or do the things they said and did. i had to let it go. as much as it hurt to try and let her go (i still have a few issues to work out), holding onto it, examining it, taking pictures of it (metaphorically speaking) and showing it to people was doing more harm than good.

so i like what this medicine man said. and it took reading it in someone else's book, in someone else's words, under someone else's copywrite (eek) to remind myself that i have enough crazy (quirky?) of my own. and i'm letting voldemort go. for now. i'm letting all of that go. all of that bad energy, all of those words back and forth. i'm letting it go.

easier said than done. but it's on my list of things to do before i turn (gasp!) 31. oh. my. 31.


another thing i'm holding onto from this book is the four brothers meditation. i have trouble sleeping. getting to sleep, and staying to sleep. i wake up 20 minutes after i fall asleep. i swear it's been hours and my alarm clock should go off any minute. nope. only 20 minutes. i miss phill, and i do not like being alone. yep. there, i said it. i don't like being alone. i'll leave the tv on, i'll stay up late, so i'll fall immediately to sleep with no tossing or turning. but basically, i miss my boyfriend and i don't like being alone.

so back to this thing i'm holding onto. without giving much of it away (you have to read this book), you pray to these four brothers everyone was born with. they're there to protect you. before you go to sleep (please please let me know if you're going to sue me for infringement or plagiarism or whatever), you call on them before you go to sleep, saying "I am sleeping now, so you must stay awake and protect me." the brothers will shield you through the night, stop demons and nightmares.

my heart did a funny thing when i read this. it held its tired sad head in its hands and felt relief. then i read it again. and i underlined it. and i marked the page. and i wrote it on the inside front cover. and i read it again.

so this talisman, i'm taking to bed with me. i am taking inner peace and my protectors.

goodnight to you all, and peace.

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