Thursday, October 18, 2018

my eyes are clearer

less red.  less dry. even in these santa ana winds.

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

i'm less interested in tv, and more interested in books.

actual book books on my nightstand.  less distractions from my distractions? more focused?

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

You. Again.

I don't know who you are, but you showed up in my dream last night.  We were outside, helping someone move or helping them make something out of furniture.  You came up behind me and put your face next to mine.

I could feel your warm skin and stubble and leaned into your face.  I put my hand on the side of your face and held it there, taking in the feel of your face on mine.

I paused my conversation with a friend.  We didn't kiss or embrace, but this was everything.

In this moment, you were home.

And then we took apart a dresser and put it back together.

I've had dreams of you before.  You are faceless, but the feeling I get when we are together is the same.  

Monday, August 7, 2017



I heard footsteps on the porch and opened my eyes.  I waited a few seconds, but you didn't knock.  Was it someone else?

I stood up, quietly.  Please don't be a murderer.

I looked through the peephole and saw you standing at the door.  You were debating whether or not to knock.

As you raised your hand, I said through the door, "Hey."

You put your hand down and looked back at me, even though you couldn't see me.  Two inches of door separated our faces.

"What are you doing in the dark," you asked.

"There's a surprise party starting soon and you're going to ruin the surprise."

"I'm the one you're surprising!" Your enthusiasm filled my heart and annoyed me at the same time.  I smiled despite myself.  Butterflies flittered in my belly, glad you were back.  Traitors, all of you. 

"Why didn't you leave?"

"I tried to.  I got to my car and realized I haven't said everything."

"It will only make this harder."  

You sighed and closed your eyes.  "I know," you whispered.

I was quiet.

"I never wanted to hurt you.  Can I come in?"

"No," I whispered back. 

I put my hand on the doorknob.  I couldn't remember how many times you'd been in my house, how many times we made dinner, grilled in the backyard, had friends over, stayed up late talking.  

How many times you and I tangled ourselves in my bed and whispered to each other. 

But everything was different now.

I took my hand off the doorknob and stood up straight. 

I stepped back from the door. 

And then I opened it. 


You stood with your arms braced against the door jambs. 

"It was unlocked this whole time?"

"How often do I remember to lock the door?"

"Less than I'd like," you said protectively. 

"I'm getting better."

You looked at me and held your finger and thumb about an inch apart. "True. Ish."

"Can we go for a walk? I'm all back and forth and jittery now." 

"Yeah."  There were some quiet streets on the way to sandy dunes. We made a habit of going for a run down to the beach. 

"Lemme change my shoes." 

"They're in the back by the hose." That you knew what I was looking for and where to find my running shoes was both comforting and painful now. I saw it register on your face, too. 

"I'll be back in a sec." You nodded back at me, stepping away. I left the front door open and went to my bedroom to change. 

I came back in yoga pants and a hoodie, barefoot with a pair of socks in my hands. All of a sudden I realized nights like this weren't going to happen again.

I needed cold water. That would fix everything. I turned to the kitchen and walked to the fridge and called out to you. "Do you want some water?" 

What the hell are you doing, girl. Offering him water? The man is in the process of breaking your heart. 

Yeah, but I don't need to be a dick about it. 

Don't you?!

You were leaning against the couch, as unsure as I was. The front door was still open, as though we wouldn't make a scene in public. 

Tuesday, August 1, 2017


We got out of the car and you walked around to me.  You reached for my hand and wove your fingers in mine, like we had done a hundred times.  

We walked like this for a block, until we were in my front yard.  You stopped suddenly.  I tried pulling you with me.  But you had rooted your body to the ground and didn't move an inch. Like you had hit a wall.

Like something had just occurred to you.

It was a chilly spring night and the stars were out.  The night smelled like the Pacific.  

I turned to face you.  Why weren't you following me?  

"I can't."  Your face was pained.

"Just for a little while."

"No."  I looked at you, confused. 

We stood facing each other, our hands still clasped.

And then I realized why you had stopped.  I should have known this was coming.  It had to, eventually.

My face must have registered what was happening.  You pulled me to you and wrapped your arms around me.  I wrapped my arms around your back.  We stood like this for a little while.

You tilted your face down to mine.  I looked up at you and you leaned in to kiss me.  I turned my head back to your neck, unsure and sad.  I tried stepping back, moving both of us toward the house. But you stood firm.

My throat was tight and my chest heavy.  I was saying goodbye in my head. My eyes burned and I felt tears fall.  How did we get here?

You pulled back to look at me, your hand on the back of my head.

"Don't cry."

I smiled, "I hate you," I whispered.

You pulled me back into a hug.  We stood there, my forehead tucked in the crook of your neck and shoulder.

"I hate you, too," you whispered back.  And kissed my cheek.

The stars stared down at us, uncaring and unmoved by this scene.  This had happened thousands of times for thousands of years and would continue for thousands more.  These stars would remain long after we were stardust once again.  

I put my hands on your hips, my forehead on your shoulder.  You reached for my hand.

I looked up at you.  I stood on tiptoe and kissed you softly on your lips.  Once. As I closed my eyes, a single tear dropped on our faces between us. 

You held my hand as I walked away.  Our fingers held for a second, and then we were two.

I didn't look back, even though I wanted to.  I knew you were watching me. 

I wanted nothing more than to be with you.  


I walked up the steps, unlocked the door, and closed it behind me.  I sat down on the hardwood and leaned my back against the wall, my legs outstretched, and closed my eyes. 

Why didn't I see this coming?  I should have protected myself more.  I should have been the one to break it off.  As I thought about it, I realized that you must have tried to have this conversation.  

I thought about these last few months, your face lit by the moon, our whispers to each other in the night. Camping, drinking, birthdays, laughing, quiet moments alone.

I heard footsteps on the porch and opened my eyes.

You knocked lightly.  "Hey," you said through the door.  "Can I come in?" I could tell from your voice that you were leaning against the front door.


"Why are you sitting in the dark?"

"There's a surprise party soon and you're ruining the surprise."

"Well, let me in before they show up."

"It will only make this harder," I replied.

"I know," you whispered.  I heard you sit down on the other side of the door.

"Why didn't you leave?" I asked.

"I don't want to.  I never wanted to."

I closed my eyes and tried not to cry.  

"Please let me in.  I never wanted to hurt you."

I was quiet.

I reached up and held the doorknob.  I turned it quickly and let go.  Maybe you would hit your head on the hardwood.


Part II here.

Friday, January 13, 2017

morning joe

i went to starbucks* this morning.  well, a different starbucks than i usually visit.  i had to be sneaky at this other place.  cars waiting in line at the drive through don't care about their asses hanging out into oncoming traffic.  they ooze out of the driveway like druggies waiting for their fix.

i wasn't going through the drive through, though. i was going to park like a human being and WALK in.

the parking lot at this place is like one of those plastic tile number games. the one with the missing tile? it's awful. and you think, all i need to do is pluck this other little tile out and it'll be fine. and you try and try and you can never get that other tile out and who has ever finished one of those tile games?

i was going to park next door at the mexican restaurant and sneak in like a thief in the night.  but like, in normal clothes.  and not wearing a mask. and. uh, in broad daylight. and really not sneaky at all.

turns out the mexican restaurant was prepared for this and had signs posted throughout the parking lot  that said things like "ALL YOU STARBUCKS LOVERS STAY OUT OF OUR PARKING LOT" and "GO AWAY" and "SHOOO!".

rude stuff like that.

i said "sheesh" (pronounced "mother fucker") and drove around to find other (better, more inclusive) parking.

AND LO! a parking spot. right in front of the big green monster.

i parked and walked toward the front door, taking deep breaths on the way.  what a morning to be alive! it was cloudy and cold and rain was on the way.  (it does rain in southern california.) i wondered (talked to myself) about breakfast snacks and debated my drink.

basically, i was a junkie dreaming about my fix.

as I walked in, the woman behind the counter said cheerfully, "good morning! what can i get started for you?"

and i said, confidently (with a skip in my step), "grande coffee with an inch of cold soy."

two things happened simultaneously.

the woman behind the counter confirmed an order of chocolate milk and sausage sandwich.

a woman on the other side of the counter, ten feet from the counter said (barked, whined) while looking at me, "I'M NEXT."

i looked at her and said, condescendingly, "oookaaaayyyy," and shrugged a shoulder. not both. just one.  that's how nonchalant i was.  and then i made that half frown face that also clearly states "whatever, no biggie. i wait in lines behind people all the time."

all of this was to say:

"ha! it was a joke! i knew you were in line! (though, really, i didn't know you were in line and i doubt anyone behind the counter knew you were even here and how long had you been waiting there for someone to notice you when you weren't even close to the counter? also? you're WELCOME for bringing attention to you [not me, obvi] so they would take your [long and strangely complicated] order.) i do this joke all the time! i knew she was talking to someone in the drive through.  who WOULDN'T know that?  this bit usually gets tons of laughs at other starbucks (ya losers)."

and then imaginary me looked around at the people behind laptops sipping their drinks and gave finger guns to everyone like a drunk uncle. only one person looked up.

okay. fine.  i lied. no one looked up.


i still got my order before she did.

*i know I KNOW, small businesses and everything.  but i need soy. small coffee shops don't always have soy, and when they do, it's not fresh and then it's gross and doesn't mix right or taste right and i'm sorry, i go to starbucks.

**pronounced mother fucker.

Saturday, March 1, 2008