Bare

Part I here

..::..

I heard footsteps on the porch and opened my eyes.  I waited a few seconds, but you didn't knock.  Was it someone else?

I stood up, quietly.  Please don't be a murderer.

I looked through the peephole and saw you standing at the door.  You were debating whether or not to knock.

As you raised your hand, I said through the door, "Hey."

You put your hand down and looked back at me, even though you couldn't see me.  Two inches of door separated our faces.

"What are you doing in the dark," you asked.

"There's a surprise party starting soon and you're going to ruin the surprise."

"I'm the one you're surprising!" Your enthusiasm filled my heart and annoyed me at the same time.  I smiled despite myself.  Butterflies flittered in my belly, glad you were back.  Traitors, all of you. 

"Why didn't you leave?"

"I tried to.  I got to my car and realized I haven't said everything."

"It will only make this harder."  

You sighed and closed your eyes.  "I know," you whispered.

I was quiet.

"I never wanted to hurt you.  Can I come in?"

"No," I whispered back. 

I put my hand on the doorknob.  I couldn't remember how many times you'd been in my house, how many times we made dinner, grilled in the backyard, had friends over, stayed up late talking.  

How many times you and I tangled ourselves in my bed and whispered to each other. 

But everything was different now.

I took my hand off the doorknob and stood up straight. 

I stepped back from the door. 

And then I opened it. 

"Hi."

You stood with your arms braced against the door jambs. 

"It was unlocked this whole time?"

"How often do I remember to lock the door?"

"Less than I'd like," you said protectively. 

"I'm getting better."

You looked at me and held your finger and thumb about an inch apart. "True. Ish."

"Can we go for a walk? I'm all back and forth and jittery now." 

"Yeah."  There were some quiet streets on the way to sandy dunes. We made a habit of going for a run down to the beach. 

"Lemme change." 

"They're in the back by the hose." That you knew what I would be looking for and where to find my running shoes was both comforting and painful now. I saw it register on your face, too. 

"I'll be back in a sec." You nodded back at me, stepping away. I left the front door open and went to my bedroom to change. 

I came back in yoga pants and a hoodie, barefoot with a pair of socks in my hands. All of a sudden I realized nights like this weren't going to happen again.

I needed cold water. That would fix everything. I turned to the kitchen and walked to the fridge and called out to you. "Do you want some water?" 

What the hell are you doing, girl. Offering him water? The man is in the process of breaking your heart. 

Yeah, but I don't need to be a dick about it. 

Don't you?!

You were inside the front door now, leaning against the living room couch, as unsure as I was. The front door was still open, as though we wouldn't make a scene in public. 

Crush

We got out of the car and you walked around to me.  You reached for my hand and wove your fingers in mine, like we had done a hundred times.  

We walked like this for a block, until we were in my front yard.  You stopped suddenly.  I tried pulling you with me.  But you had rooted your body to the ground and didn't move an inch. Like you had hit a wall.

Like something had just occurred to you.

It was a chilly spring night and the stars were out.  The night smelled like the Pacific.  

I turned to face you.  Why weren't you following me?  

"I can't."  Your face was pained.

"Just for a little while."

"No."  I looked at you, confused. 

We stood facing each other, our hands still clasped.

And then I realized why you had stopped.  I should have known this was coming.  It had to, eventually.

My face must have registered what was happening.  You pulled me to you and wrapped your arms around me.  I wrapped my arms around your back.  We stood like this for a little while.

You tilted your face down to mine.  I looked up at you and you leaned in to kiss me.  I turned my head back to your neck, unsure and sad.  I tried stepping back, moving both of us toward the house. But you stood firm.

My throat was tight and my chest heavy.  I was saying goodbye in my head. My eyes burned and I felt tears fall.  How did we get here?

You pulled back to look at me, your hand on the back of my head.

"Don't cry."

I smiled, "I hate you," I whispered.

You pulled me back into a hug.  We stood there, my forehead tucked in the crook of your neck and shoulder.

"I hate you, too," you whispered back.  And kissed my cheek.

The stars stared down at us, uncaring and unmoved by this scene.  This had happened thousands of times for thousands of years and would continue for thousands more.  These stars would remain long after we were stardust once again.  

I put my hands on your hips, my forehead on your shoulder.  You reached for my hand.

I looked up at you.  I stood on tiptoe and kissed you softly on your lips.  Once. As I closed my eyes, a single tear dropped on our faces between us. 

You held my hand as I walked away.  Our fingers held for a second, and then we were two.

I didn't look back, even though I wanted to.  I knew you were watching me. 

I wanted nothing more than to be with you.  

But. 

I walked up the steps, unlocked the door, and closed it behind me.  I sat down on the hardwood and leaned my back against the wall, my legs outstretched, and closed my eyes. 

Why didn't I see this coming?  I should have protected myself more.  I should have been the one to break it off.  As I thought about it, I realized that you must have tried to have this conversation.  

I thought about these last few months, your face lit by the moon, our whispers to each other in the night. Camping, drinking, birthdays, laughing, quiet moments alone.

I heard footsteps on the porch and opened my eyes.

You knocked lightly.  "Hey," you said through the door.  "Can I come in?" I could tell from your voice that you were leaning against the front door.

"No."

"Why are you sitting in the dark?"

"There's a surprise party soon and you're ruining the surprise."

"Well, let me in before they show up."

"It will only make this harder," I replied.

"I know," you whispered.  I heard you sit down on the other side of the door.

"Why didn't you leave?" I asked.

"I don't want to.  I never wanted to."

I closed my eyes and tried not to cry.  

"Please let me in.  I never wanted to hurt you."

I was quiet.

I reached up and held the doorknob.  I turned it quickly and let go.  Maybe you would hit your head on the hardwood.

..::..

Part II here.