Monday, January 25, 2021

25: Walls

i can feel the seatbelt on my lap now. i didn't realize i hadn't felt it in a long time, until i felt it  yesterday, on top of my legs instead of on top of my belly.

i remember a moment, rolling over in bed and realizing my shape was changing, shrinking. i felt a moment of fear, of feeling exposed. had i really been growing this wall around my body to protect it from something?

i know there are hours of therapy in my future. i'm breaking down the wall around me, to find me.

that sounds cheesy and misses the point.

25 pounds down. so many more to go. how did i get here? it took years. 

i mean. i've lost 25 pounds! that's ... i mean!!  someone's goal weight is to lose 25 pounds! no one has mentioned that i look different. i haven't seen many people (thanks, covid!), i wear baggy clothes anyway. sometimes i wonder if my scale is completely off and lying to me. but i can feel it in my arms and legs, the way i walk now, the way i'm not out of breath, the way i can crawl around on the floor to pin a quilt, and that wonderful seatbelt on my lap.

i used to joke (to myself) that my backfat had fat.

backfat doesn't lie, and it's gone now. button down shirts also don't lie, and they fit now.

No comments: